I decided to clean it up for the New Year. The past week I’ve consumed vegetables, fruit, herbal teas and water. Already I’ve dropped a size.
I’ve done cleanses in the past, so for me, this is normal and it’s a fairly painless procedure. Pretty much I’ve tried out and attempted every diet available throughout my days of modeling. I’ve hired the best nutritionist and doctors money could afford and they’ve been immensely helpful developing within me the understanding I need about nutrition.
The truth is, I’m a size 8 after having a baby. My hips and body didn’t want to be “super” anymore and they expanded. I had no lingerie contract holding me to a certain size or weight restriction and I saw this as my opportunity to be a “normal” woman and eat like a “normal” woman. And so I ate 3 healthy meals a day and a few snacks in between and this is where it landed me. A healthy size 8. Here’s the rub. For me. I feel uncomfortable being in public and having my photo taken at a size 8.
Taken 2 months ago
(I’m wearing a Dries Van Noten Jacket over my favorite Dries Van Noten dress. Massimo Rebecchi boots I’ve had for 12 years! and a Fedora I got from a Michael Kors runway show.)
I think I look awesome. Don’t you? I think I look slim, healthy, beautiful and all the other adjectives you’d use to describe an exceptionally confident woman.
After years of starving myself to stay in the game, I welcomed a slowing down of work as new life literally emerged. I’ve been a size 2-4 since I’m 17 and initially lost weight to model. And now, after a decade of being surrounded by a world that looks perhaps emaciated to others but has become normal to me, I feel uncomfortable in my new body. I feel awkward and self conscious.
And so I’m caught between two worlds and I don’t know which one to exist in. Do I stay “normal” or do I transform back to “acceptable?”
I’m going to continue on my fast for another week or two until I feel ready to stop, at which point, I’ll slowly begin to reintroduce grains, dairy and meat products. And we shall see what happens. I’m not leaving the final decision in the hands of fashion. I’m doing this for myself and for the knowledge that will hopefully bring a little bit more clarity to the struggle of where do I fit in. At what size, at what shape, will I feel comfortable with my body? Perhaps the answer is, I will have to find the courage to leave behind a world that cannot accept me if I’m not a sample size. What would you do?
Happy New Year to all! I wish everyone love and light, joy and happiness and most of all growth and contentment within themselves.